Battle of Rachels
My condition seems to be improving a little bit after I could not leave bed for a month and struggled to do just very basic things to survive. I pulled all my energy and courage today to do grocery shopping. I stocked up lots of nonperishable food, vitamin & mineral supplements, dog food and worming tablets and etc, just in case this activity would push me back in bed for long time again. I almost got heart attack when I pay for them.
Although, it was physically very tough, I enjoyed my first outing in a month mentally. My dogs also enjoyed the short drive in the dark and gave me positive feedback when they sniffed to check grocery bags. 
It was wonderful to have decent meal and some treats.
It was also a relief for me to feel ’Battle of Rachels’ is ceased for now.
When my ME/CFS condition gets worse, I start to suffer mentally. I become very bitter and become the person I hate. This ‘ugly Rachel’ takes over control and makes me hate the whole world, makes me feel that hope means pathetic and makes me feel that I am such a useless existence. ’Ugly Rachel’ encourages me to just give in and forget about ‘trying to become the person I want to be’, ‘there is always positive in any situation’, and ‘people were born as good’.
And it is painful to feel that ‘ideal Rachel’ is loosing her power to keep positiveness, hope and love to fellow human beings. Every thoughts and moment was the constant battle of ugly and ideal Rachels. It is such a dark, lonely and torturous place to be.
Now I am feeling that ‘ideal Rachel’ is getting stronger again and cheering me up that I can still hang in there and will find the way to live with ME/CFS. ‘Ideal Rachel’ is making me sure that I can still become the person I want to be. I will eventually find a purpose in my life and will become a contributing member of society again. ‘Ideal Rachel’ gave me a pat on my sholder and congraduated me for not giving up who I am during the ‘Battle of Rachels’.
At least now, I can picture myself smiling again. And it is a good sign.
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Give those little puppies of yours a pat from me
Thank you Worker,
After the grocery shopping, my condition got backwards... But I will improve some degree with enough rest.
I have this image of ideal person, and I want to become her. Your calendar sums it up. All I can do is to try. I'm glad you don't see "ugly/evil Rachel".
Thanks Ninja.
You are right. Everybody has to fight their own battles.
When I saw this heading I thought you were going to talk about another subject. That being all of the Rachel's from different countries wanting to be your friend. But that is a much nicer battle :-)
Love ya mate,
Chezza
XXXX OOOO
Since I posted this originally, I gained another friend, Rachel from America who is living with ME/CFS. And as you can see at the link, I am also be friends with Rachel from UK who is also living with ME/CFS. They are both nice Rachels.
I feel like I should start recruiting another Rachel who is also living with ME/CFS from another country. LOL
And yes, this battle of Rachels is only talking about me. No, I don't have multiple persoality, but when I get depressed, it is a struggle to be a nice person (ideal Rachel). You only got confused coz you just know too much about me.
Hugs. And you better be resting my friend.